My Funeral: Inspired by the Jackson Funeral

I was inspired by Michael....

My Funeral: Hosted by Craig Ferguson

Itinerary

1. Led Zeppelin reforms and opens the show with "In The Evening"

2. Mr. T pities the fools (rides in A-Team van available)

3. Eulogy #1: Dr. Henry Kissinger on Foreign Policy and the State of the World when I was born

4. Chickenfoot performs "Oh Yeah"

5. Crowd takes shot of Tequila

6. Peyton Manning gives a "Priceless Pep Talk"

7. ZZ Top performs "Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers" and "La Grange"

8. Crowd downs Irish Car Bomb

9. Eulogy #2: Keith Richards on whatever

10. Patrick Stewart and Sandra Day O'Connor do reading of "Merchant of Venice"

11. The Who perform "Baba O'Reilly" and "Listening To You"

12. Eulogy #3: Adam West on fighting crime (free rides in Batmobile available)

13. Keith Olbermann names me "Worst Person in the World"

14. Robert Di Nero wacks Keith Olbermann

15. Eulogy #4: William Shatner on the meaning of the "eeb-plob-nista"

16. Jerry Lee Lewis performs "Great Balls of Fire"

17. Casket is laid in Viking Longboat and set ablaze

This concludes the service

Presidential Legacies: The Crisis Presidents 1849-1861

After the Mexican War, slavery became the dominant issue in the United States. Democrats supported unrestricted slavery. The Whig Party crumbled over the issue with Northerners becoming Republicans and opposing the institution. Southern Whigs eventually became Confederates. As a result, each president from Taylor to Lincoln had their legacy intimately tied to the issue of slavery.

Zachary Taylor (1849-1850): When California wanted admission to the Union, Taylor supported it even when it was clear they would enter as a Free State. The South felt betrayed. Taylor was a Louisiana slave holder, but he opposed the spread of slavery. When a compromise was put forth that would allow California to enter Free while strengthening slavery elsewhere, Taylor opposed it and threatened to start hanging Democrats. Then, he died.

Millard Fillmore (1850-1853): While Taylor opposed the Compromise of 1850, Fillmore supported it. California entered the US as a free state. Utah and New Mexico entered without restrictions of slavery. A tough fugitive slave law was enacted and the interstate slave trade was banned. The Fugitive Slave Law was a particularly heinous creation. Persons of color had no rights if they were accused of being a runaway. So, slave catchers could go North and haul free persons back to the South with impunity under Federal Law. The Compromise was meant to quell sectionalism. Instead, it helped inflame sectionalism especially after Harriet Beecher Stowe published "Uncle Tom's Cabin."

Franklin Pierce (1853-1857): Franklin Pierce had no backbone. When Stephen Douglas marched into the White House and demand he support the Kansas-Nebraska Act, Pierce folded like a card table. The act split Kansas and Nebraska up into two states. The people of each state could vote on whether they would be a slave state or a free state. It was assumed Nebraska would vote free and Kansas would go slave. Nebraska voted to ban slavery. Kansas was a mess. Several Chicago style elections and an in-state civil war left Pierce in ruins.

James Buchanan (1857-1861): Buchanan attempted to pacify the South. He tried to force a pro-slavery Constitution onto Kansas. He failed. He tried to start a war with the Mormons to bring about national unity. He failed. After Lincoln's election, the South seceded from the union. Buchanan did nothing. James Buchanan was the worst president in history.

#38 The Velvet Underground

Although not commercially successful, the Underground is one of the most influential acts in history. In one sense, they were the American version of Pink Floyd. They loved experimentation and their music was nihilistic. They could be considered the first “Alternative” band long before R.E.M. created college radio. After the breakup, Lou Reed and John Cale experienced success as solo artists.

Rock n Roll Moment: The Velvet Underground were part of Andy Warhol’s underground art scene in the 1960s.

Essential Velvet Underground:

The Velvet Underground and Nico (1967)
White Light/White Heat (1968)
The Velvet Underground (1969)
Loaded (1970)

Velvet Underground’s Top 10:

Heroin
I’m Waiting for the Man
Sunday Morning
White Light/White Heat
Candy Says
Pale Blue Eyes
Sweet Jane
All Tomorrow’s Parties
There She Goes Again
The Black Angel’s Death Song

The All Favorite MLB Team

C- Joe Mauer- Twins
1b- Lance Berkman- Astros
2b- Dustin Pedroia- Red Sox
3b- Brandon Inge- Tigers
SS- Rafael Furcal- Dodgers

OF- Curtis Granderson- Tigers
OF- Ichiro
OF- Torii Hunter- Angels

DH- Aubrey Huff- Orioles

RHP- Roy Halliday- Blue Jays
LHP- Tom Glavine- No One

REL- Jonathan Papelbon (he can Riverdance)

The Persian War 490-479 BC

Think the War on Terror began in 2001? It's more like 490 BC. The current wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are nothing more than a continuation of a war that began 2500 years ago. It has had different names (Persian War, Crusades, War on Terror). It has had different protagonists (Xerxes, Saladin, Osama and Alexander, Richard, George). It has had different excuses for starting over again (Empire, Religion, Democracy). The East is very aware of this history and celebrate Xerxes and Saladin while lamenting defeats in France and Austria. While the West is clueless about the past. Regardless, one day 2500 years ago, the Persians conquered Greek colonies in Asia minor. That signalled the beginning of a conflict that wages to this day.

In 499 BC, several Greek City states in Asia Minor revolted against Persian rule. Athens supported these revolts. The Greeks won an short lived victory and reestablished rule by 493 BC. The Persians wanted to teach the mainland Greeks a lesson for interfering.

The Persian Empire was the greatest at the time and the Greece was a little backwater. In 492, Emperor Darius sent ambassadors to many Greek cities demanding their surrender. The Spartans tossed them into a well. Athens also executed the ambassadors. Persia could not turn a blind eye to the insult and invaded Attica.

The Persian assault was relentless. Eritrea was razed to the ground and all survivors sold into slavery. The invasion was stopped cold by Athens at Marathon. Following the disastrous defeat, Darius prepared for a full scale invasion.

It took ten years to launch a second invasion. Internal strife, an Egyptian revolt, and Darius’ death slowed the Persians. In 480, there was nothing left to stop Persia. The new Emperor, Xerxes, brought a fleet of 1200 ships and 200,000 men to Greece. Only 300 Spartans stood in the way. After an effective delaying action by Leonidas and the 300 at Thermopylae, Persia ran wild in Attica while the Greeks retreated. The Spartans bought the rest of Greece time to regroup.

Following the destruction of Athens, the Greeks defeated Persia at sea and on land. At Salamis, the Persian fleet was sunk. At Plataea, the Greeks defeated the Persian army. Xerxes’ folly meant Western culture would soon flourish and begin it’s long rise to dominance. Had the Persians won the war, democracy may have died and Greece’s Golden Age would never have occurred. Xerxes is a hero in Iran today. The Greek view of Xerxes is still felt today. Watch the movie 300. Xerxes is still a fool 2500 years later.

#39 Aretha Franklin

If this was a popular music list, Aretha would be in the top 10 and maybe the top 5. However, the Queen of Soul is relegated to #39 on the rock list. Aretha’s versatility led her to branch from soul to rock to gospel to R&B to pop to jazz. She was voted greatest singer of all time and is the first woman in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. In 2009, she created a fashion fad with the hat she wore at Barack Obama’s inauguration.

Rock n Roll Moment: Aretha got into a tiff with Beyonce recently. Beyonce called Tina Turner “queen.” Aretha took it as an insult because Aretha is the Queen of Soul.

Essential Aretha:

I Never Loved A Man the Way I Love You (1967)
Lady Soul (1968)
Amazing Grace (1972)
Who’s Zoomin’ Who (1985)

Aretha’s Top 10:

I Never Loved a Man (The Way I Love You)
Respect
Baby I Love You
Natural Woman
Chain of Fools
Think
Until You Come Back To Me (That’s What I’m Gonna Do)
Spanish Harlem
Rock Steady
Freeway of Love

Pistons Head Coaches Since 1992

Here are the Piston coaches since Chuck Daly left...

Ron Rothstein (1992-1993): The team got old and collapsed.

Don Chaney (1993-1995): The team stunk.

Doug Collins (1995-1998): No one liked Collins.

Alvin Gentry (1998-2000): Mediocre coach and mediocre team.

George Irvine (2000-2001): Who?

Rick Carlisle (2001-2003): Coach of the Year; fired for being a jerk.

Larry Brown (2003-2005): Won NBA Title and almost one a second; fired for being a diva.

Flip Saunders (2005-2008): Fired for not winning a title.

Michael Curry (2008-2009): Fired because the team stunk and Rip Hamilton did not like him.